I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
