why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
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Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
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Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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