I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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