you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
