Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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