took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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