Jerry, you need to find god
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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