Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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