You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
