When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
