So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
