I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
