are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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