Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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