Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
