The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
