so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
