I met the friendliest cop last night
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
