It's Friday. Sex?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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