I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
