My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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