I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
