I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
i believe in u and ur pee
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
