Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
