I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
