Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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