you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
