And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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