Kiss
Puke
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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