My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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