I feel like I'm in dance class right now
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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