You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
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I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
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Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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