I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
