Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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