Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
