I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
