if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
