if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
