2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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