the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
