She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm having to shit out rocks
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