well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
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Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
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It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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