so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
