can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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