I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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