so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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