He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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