i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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