You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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