All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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