Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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