just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
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Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
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EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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