Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
