I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
