I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
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Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
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This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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