tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
