Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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